It is a cold rainy night, And I am here in my old and extra-large T-shirt trying to put my room in order, it is such a mess and apparently that’s not the only thing that is in a mess, my life too. The week that was had a series of events both inspiring and discouraging and I can’t help but feel overwhelmed. Fears and insecurities take charge and I feel inclined to feel sorry for myself, but then what?! What next?
Gospel music in the back ground and I become a little emotional. The music is uplifting, and what not, it makes me feel accepted sort of? But I still can’t help it. See, I can’t even think, my mind is blank but troubled, it’s clouded and ‘blind folded’ I really can’t think.
Two years ago, I was probably in the same situation but whining about something else, every single day is a learning process for me, and it is tough. It really is so tough when you are just a girl trying to live your life the best way you know how to, it’s tough when you are just a girl living below your expectations, I’m just a girl trying to be the best version of myself each day, It’s tough, because I’m just a girl trying to navigate life’s stormy seas without prior experience or guidelines, it’s tough on me because I’m just a girl.
The choices we make, the mistakes that result from the bad choices, the consequences attached to these mistakes and the regrets ooh, I can’t fathom, I can’t deal with them, they are like a double edged sword striking cords and alluring pain from head to toe, emotionally too, and here I am left to wonder whether that’s what life really had in store for me.
I have an active life with everything good in it, from Interactions and networking, to Good friends and everything considered amazing, but I still feel empty, really it’s a mystery that might need another Newton to uncover. Or so I thought. It’s late at night but I receive a call that certainly makes it all better. In between the chats I mentioned that I felt sad at that particular time and I just didn’t know why. After a little while the conversation takes a little unexpected turn;
Dennis(his real name); How old are you?
Me; (laughs) Uhhm 22, will be 23 in a few months.
Dennis; wow, Really? But you sound so mature, if you told anyone you were 24 or 25 they would believe you, NICE.
Me; (giggles) I know right? Thank you, I try.
Dennis; So this is it, you graduated a while ago and you had it all figured out, you knew what you wanted to do, what you hoped to achieve and had just the way to achieve this. So, now a few months or years down the line and you haven’t. and it is all gushing down on you.
You’ve always thought that you are probably smart, a tad too smart than the rest, possibly more ambitious and a go getter. But where you are now, you are starting to have doubts, “Maybe I am not too smart after all, maybe I over estimated myself.”
With every option you try, you seem to face a closed door every other time, your peers, seem to be doing okay and you are left to ask yourself and wonder what you are doing wrong. That’s it, it’s called Quarter Life Crisis. That’s it.
Me; Wow! How did you know?
See, the more Denis spoke to me, the clearer everything became, I started to understand what exactly was happening to me. It is what it is, What I am going through is most certainly a difficult phase, of self-doubts and lots of unanswered questions. I am at a point where my judgement is clouded and my prowess questioned, not because I’m not good enough but because I’m in a rush to make it.
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Dennis made me realize that as hard as the truth might be to swallow, Success and huge achievements are not something you will see in a day, or week, it’s not short term. He told me that it is about time that I appreciate the little achievements that I make because these are the achievements that will propel me to the even greater achievements.
I have put a lot of pressure on myself to deliver not realising that my good is good enough, for now, what matters is that I try.
Quarter life Crisis is characterised by a feeling of emptiness, sadness and everything in between, It’s when a sudden wave of emotions and self doubts hits and gets a person down, clouds his judgements and what not. Basically, a dim vision and no light at the end of the tunnel kind of situation.
Well, Maybe, Just maybe it can’t be avoided, maybe it’s just a phase most people have to go through, May be it’s a phase that gives one an opportunity to find even the tiniest ray of hope and hold on to it, maybe it’s a phase one has to go through to know himself better, or better yet to get to know God and to trust him with his life, maybe. Just maybe.
That’s just about it, I’ve always had a knack to share my journey, and this is it. It is not rosy, but this is my journey and I will create my path and deal with the challenges as they come.
Welcome to my world; It is what it is.
#MisikMusings